On our trip to Kentucky we were given the opportunity to meet up with some friends that, until today, I had never met face to face. My mom had become friends with Angie when her oldest daughter Cassie was sick years ago. Since their friendship I have grown up, gotten married and had the boys. Her youngest daughter Anna has become a facebook sister and Angie is a facebook mommy to me. They are precious people I really wanted to meet and introduce my boys to.
We set up a meeting with Angie and Anna half way between where they live in West Virginia and where we are staying in Kentucky. The beginning of our trip was wonderful. The boys took naps in the car, everyone was happy and life was going just as planned. We met up at a restaurant in Morehead, Kentucky and began our wonderful time of fellowship and getting to know each other in person.
Jeffrey was on his best behavior. Bless his little heart, he ate most of his chicken and french fries without requiring a lot of attention from the adults. He allowed us time to talk and laugh. Bubba was doing a decent job until he decided he was tired of his high chair. At that point the day took a turn in a direction I could never have predicted. I pulled him out of his chair and about 5 min from that point he exploded. Now I'm not talking dirty diaper, I'm talking all over me all over him, all over the purse, all over Angie's pants, all over our coats and the floor. I thought the kiddo had a belly the size of his fist but today he proved to have a belly the size of a keg. Mid-explosion I remember thinking to myself, where on earth is all of this coming from? I looked around and thankfully nobody in the restaurant was making faces or staring and I just sat there like a statue while it happened. I had no way of stopping it nor did I have any idea what I was going to do to clean us up and drive back the 1 1/2 hours to our cousin's house.
When everything stopped flowing I thought out a plan, "cover, go to the bathroom, wash, leave". The first step was cover. I asked mom to cover us with my coat. Now a smart person would have realized that my coat was the only clean thing left and it is kinda silly to cover us with it as it would quickly absorb the yuck. However, I never claimed to be a smart person. I carried him to the bathroom where we began the clean up process. I first checked myself in the mirror. What was the damage to my outfit at this point. Can I wear it or do I need to find an alternative? I quickly realized that my left leg had been annoited in the flow, there was no saving these pants. I managed to catch a major amount in my shirt in an attempt to maintain the mess which reduced me down to a white tank top with spotting from the episode. I looked him over and realized that his entire outfit was a lost cause as well and went into survival mode. I stripped him down to his diaper and began rinsing the clothes out in the sink. Thankfully, they had paper towels and let me tell ya, I used an entire tree cleaning us up.
Once I had us as clean as I could make us in a restaurant bathroom I realized that I could not put wet clothes on a sick child in 30 degree temps. I decided I would use my coat as his cover. Now please know at this point I was stripped down to a very thin tank top and jeans. My sweater had taken the brunt of the force and my coat was now his outfit. Needless to say, we really looked like a good pair. I washed the now dirty coat off, bundled him up and carried him out. We quickly left the restaurant and headed to the closest clothing store we could fine. Thank you Goody's for being close.
I ran into the store covered in the "yuck" and shopped as fast as anyone could. Seeing the despiration on my face the girl behind the counter asked if I was ok and then looking at my stained outfit she said, "oh hun, what can I do to help you?" She kindly gave me an extra bag for dirty clothes and cut the tags off what I managed to pick up during my whirlwind 3 1/2 min shopping spree. I ran out of the store and mom began the process of putting Bubba's new outfit on while I changed clothes in the front seat. Can I please take a second to state, I'm not nearly as flexible as I used to be nor am I as capable of quickly changing in confined areas as I used to be. Needless to say, it was probably a sight for any comedy television. After about 4 min I finally had the clean clothes on and was able to wipe off with the wet wipes enough to make the smell go away, for the most part.
After our quick parking lot costume change we were back on the road on our way home. I called Shelly, my cousin we are staying with, and asked her to please keep the washing machine free for our return home. At that point I was pretty proud of myself for handling a pretty icky situation until I hear the sweet little voice from the back seat say, "mommy, I have to poopy!" Now interstate 64 is populated but not nearly enough when a newly potty trained individual has to poopy. He has only been doing this in the potty for 2 weeks so when he says he has to go HE HAS TO GO RIGHT NOW! I looked and drove for a couple min before realizing that there were no exits in sight and our only option is to pull over and try to go on the side of the road. Oh geez, never a dull moment.
I pulled over in a place that had a bit of a ditch for some coverage from the oncoming traffic. I helped him get out of the car and we began the process of "wilderness pooping" until I realized, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO TEACH HIM TO POOP WITHOUT A POTTY! I tried to hold his hands and have him lean back but that wasn't working. Mom suggested that I pull his legs up and hold him in the air, well that didn't work at all. Lastly, I decided to squat down and let him sit with his legs over mine and use me as a toilet. At this point I began to laugh so hard nothing good was going to come of it. I had already been used as a garbage can in the restaurant and now I was a toilet. I also thought to myself, "please don't poop on these pants, I just bought them!" Wow, motherhood sure is glamerous. Do you think the Kardashians do this with their kids? If they do then I am TOTALLY KEEPING UP WITH THEM!!! I'm pretty sure I traumatized the poor kid as he began to infatically state, "I DON'T NEED TO GO ANYMORE MOMMY!!! I JUST DON'T NEED TO GO!" I don't know if it was the use of my leg as a toilet or his poor tushy hanging out in the 30 degree wind but he quickly got back in the car and fell asleep. Bless him.
So today was maybe not our finest display of grace, elegance or even pride. I managed to strip one of my children down in a restaurant, shop for clothing while extremely underdressed and covered in vomit, and try to get my child to poop on the side of the road. I'm pretty sure child services is shaking their head at this very moment but what can I say? I was caught off guard. Don't worry though, I learned a very valuable lesson. From here forward we will never again go somewhere without a full change of clothing for every family member, extra big boy pants, diapers, wipes (enough for a bath for at least 2 family members, and a portable potty. I'm glad we have a SUV.
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