Today something happened in our family that was both precious and devastating at the same time. It was an opportunity for David and I to either break down the role of giving in our family or enhance the gift that was given by making the gesture special.
Bubba, our compassionate, light hearted, sensitive, giver gave away something very special to him in an effort to help his little brother stop crying. He had a clip on tie that he wore almost daily. He love his airplane tie and it was something that helped develop his sense of individuality in his fashion. While his little brother was having a meltdown the only thing he had available to him was his tie and without thinking, he took the tie off and handed it to his brother. Almost immediately his brother stopped crying. At the time I believe it was done out of desperation to make the noise stop but once he saw the end result the finality of his actions kicked in and he was slightly devastated. He had literally given the tie off his own neck to help another person. He came crying to me and told me how he had given away his prize possession and how it made him sad but that he was very glad his brother was happy. I asked him if he wanted his brother to keep the tie forever or if he was just lending the tie to him and wanted it back. Sadly he said he wanted his brother to be happy so since the tie made him happy he could keep it. That's when the tears turned into sobs. We sat on the floor for 20 min, him in my lap sobbing and me just hugging him saying nothing. I allowed him the time he needed to deal with his emotions through this difficult situation that givers many times feel. When the tears slowed down I had a choice to make. I had two ways of handling this and so I thought back to my own experiences. Being more of a giver myself I had experienced both reactions and knew how each made me feel.
Reaction A:
Why would you give that away? Why wouldn't you find something else to give?
This reaction makes you feel kinda like a fool. It's like you didn't think thing through and your gift was done without thought. You did what you did without thinking long term effects or putting yourself in the equation.
The reality of it is, if you are a giver you rarely put yourself in the equation and you don't often think how it will effect you. You so badly want to help others that you will put yourself in the poor house doing so. It doesn't mean it is easy but you find joy in helping others. You find your own smile in the smile created in others. When people ask you questions about your intentions it brings doubt to your gifts and ultimately begins to diminish your passion of giving and this would be a big reason why many adults lose that desire to give.
Reaction B:
I think what you did is very admirable. I love your heart and the reason you did this. Are you happy knowing that you made him happy?
This reaction is the preferable response. It reinforces that what you did was ok. It doesn't take away from the gift that was given. It reassures the giver that what he/she did was a decent thing and you support the decision.
Too many times as adults we jump to decision A and don't see how something a little as a neck tie can be life changing to a 4 year old. The baby clearly has no idea that a tie was given to him and has already forgotten about the gift. If we wanted to pick it up and give it back to Bubba the baby would have no clue but in Bubba's world, this tie now belongs to the baby. He gave it as a gift and it is no longer his possession.
I encourage you to stop and think about your children and how they react to things. Is it possible that you have a giver on your hands? Someone who will give the shirt off their back to anyone in need? If you do, I beg you to think about the reactions you give when they are emotional about a situation. Your response may determine if they become the next CEO of a charity or the vein CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch.
My prayer for Bubba is that his sweet spirit of giving is one that never fades. I love his desire to make people happy.
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