I Don't Like Spiders

I'm going to start this blog off with the statement I DON'T LIKE SPIDERS ONE SINGLE BIT. Ok, now that I have this realization out in the open let me explain myself. I think spiders are creepy and unnecessary. I don't care if they are big, little, black, brown, dead or alive I hate them all. As with crickets, I have yet to find a skill that spiders have that another, less annoying bug couldn't take over. I do not like them in nature, (now you crunchy people reading this don't bash me yet, tell me you love having a web get on your face while walking to the mailbox, see you hate them too). I hate it when they are coming down from the ceiling and I especially hate it when they sneak up on you while you are using the potty.

Let me take a short side note here to answer a question that is most likely on the tip of your tongue. Yes, I read Charlotte's Web and no I did not grow even the slightest fondness to spiders after doing so. I thought Charlotte was gross and honestly, what was so awesome about the pig? After all, wasn't the spider really the show? All Wilber did was walk around and do a couple flips. The spider was able to write the English language which is a skill many humans have trouble with. Needless to say, the book was cute and the movie was cute but neither changed my perspective on the real life spiders that threaten me daily. OK, that said, back to the story

The boys and I have been staying with mom and dad while the smoke clears away from home due to the forest fires. It has been a great trip full of fun and adventure but today I had an adventure that I would rather not have lived. After getting everyone to bed and taking time to check out the news on Facebook I decided to get ready for bed and catch a few zzzz's myself. I got up and went to the bathroom where I did the first thing that comes natural in a bathroom, use the potty. While sitting on the toilet something caught my eye. I looked over to the floor behind the door (which may I remind you I just walked through barefooted) and there was a huge, ginormous spider staring at me!!! In my attempt to keep everyone in the house asleep I screamed to myself and nearly punctured my eye with my finger as I startled. At that point I don't remember how I got from the seated position barefooted to standing in the bathroom with shoes on but somehow I got up, went into the bedroom, got my shoes and returned to the scene of the crime.

Now I like to think of myself as a brave woman who would face danger in a heartbeat if I thought it was a threat to my family or myself. I like to think of myself as a tomboy who is not bothered by much however, tonight proved me to be something totally different. An idiot with ADHD who HATES SPIDERS!!! Yep you read that right.

My first step in this process was determining an action plan. At what angle would be best for my foot to come down, what pressure should I use to ensure only one step down, and at what point do I make the decision to raise my foot to examine the flatness or leave the shoe on top of the spider and walk away for dad to clean up tomorrow. While pondering these very important decisions I realized that I had once again sat down, this time on the closed toilet lid, and I was staring at the spider with one elbow resting on the top of the counter while propping my head up on my closed fist.

(The following is a word for word encounter of what my brain did while this 30 min process took place. Be ready and hold onto your hat.)

What was this a movie? Why was I staring at this spider as if it had a name? A name! I should name the spider! I always heard that when a sniper has to sit on a target for long periods of time they are advised to create a name and story to go along with said target. A story that helps them pull the trigger when the order is given. That's what I will do! I will give the spider a story! Wait, what kind of idiot stands in the bathroom in the middle of the night creating a story for a spider. Hmmm, I wonder if that is how Charlotte's Web was created?

Focus Missi, Focus!!!

OK, back to my situation. I have a spider that needs to be killed and I'm the only one awake in the house. Kill the stinking spider!!!

Oooo, I know, make the spider a threat. Pretend that Jeffrey is standing right here and you are protecting him. Surly that motherly instinct will come out and you will end this. OK, "Pretend Jeffrey, stand right there, don't you move! Mommy is going to get rid of this spider for you but I have to know that you aren't going to move."

Wait, I'm stalling. Just step on the stinking spider already!

Miss, you lived in Haiti where there were ginormous spiders the size of your head! What is your problem, this one is only about 1/16 of your foot! Hey, look at my pretty toe ring. I really like this one, it makes my toes look pretty. Wait, look at the polish, it is chipping! I better fix that tomorrow. Can't have chipped polish during the summer! What color should I use?

FOCUS!!!!!

I know, I will sing a song and move my feet to the beat and step on it while dancing! Yeah, that will keep my mind off what is going on while also helping me tone up my abs!!! SWEET!!! OK, think of a song. A song, hmmmm. "And I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more. Just to be the woman who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door. DA DA DA DA, DA DA DA DA. DA DA DA DA, DA DA DA DA. DADADADADADADADADA!!!"

Wait, why are you dancing in the mirror? Dang it Missi, you forgot to watch the spider and more importantly you forgot to kill it! FOCUS!!!

OK, this time it is for realsies. Make a list of the worst possible outcomes and realize that they aren't so bad and just do it.
1. you could hit the doorstop and miss the spider causing it to run away at which point it goes into a corner and you are no longer able to step on it forcing you to come up with another plan.
2. you could miss the spider and have to dance around trying to kill it because it is the fastest spider in the world (did I mention it only had 7 legs?)
3. it is pregnant and when you step on it little spiders will go everywhere
4. it is a man eating spider that feeds off the feet of people who try to step on it

OK, all in all the outcomes were not all that bad so needless to say girly you need to STEP ON THE SPIDER!!! You can do this. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are awesome!!!

(looking into the mirror) You are awesome Missi! You are amazing! You can do anything you put your mind to!!!
(looking at the dog) Molly go get grandma! Wait, why do I need mom? I can do this, what if I were at home and it was just me and the boys? What would I do then? I know, I would get the vacuum! Molly go get the vacuum. Hahahha, like a dog could do that. hehehehe (for real Molly go get the vacuum or spray or the fire dept. I really need help. Don't dogs eat spiders?)

Focus!!!!

OK, so I'm going to step on this thing. One step, two steps and WHAP!!! WHAT??? Dang it. One of my outcomes was right and unfortunately it wasn't the first two or last one. Dang thing was pregnant and babies just went ALL over the place. What do I do? They are everywhere! I need a spray.

So at this point in the story I decided I really did need backup. I went and pulled mom out of bed asking her for bug spray. All we could find was roach killer but let's face it, that's good enough in my book if you use enough. (and mom sure did use enough)

And we now come to the end of my story. I killed a bagillion spiders tonight and I feel pretty good about it. Yes, it might have taken me 30 min to do so and I may have proven that my ADHD is a little worse than I give it credit for but in the end, I KILLED THE SPIDER and for that I'm a happy woman.:-)

PS, I HATE SPIDERS.